Muddy

I've re-read our conversation from last night a couple of times now.

I'm sorry. I know I came off as… I dunno. Not well, lol. I was clearly flailing. You gave me an inch, I tried to take a mile…

Here's the thing, though. Things had been getting so clear recently. We seemed to be moving steadily in a particular direction: toward each other.

But then you muddied the waters.

And while I know, intellectually, that nothing has really changed… my heart…

I am so impossibly in love with you. And it's been such a very long road to get where we are now. And there's still so far left to go. And I know, intellectually, that the path isn't a straight line, that there are going to be unexpected curves and switchbacks.

But my heart.

I'm trying desperately to get that clarity back. To once again see that look you gave me before telling me that we should spend a lot more time together… that little smile that was on that beautiful face…

And I'm flailing. But that's probably on me. In the past, being calm and relaxed about things has always seemed to be what works best with you. Calm and relaxed is also just… me, usually.

Maybe that's why it works. Maybe that's one of the things you like about me. The way you called me the “most unassuming man you've ever known”, almost wistfully…

I'm trying, my love. I'll try to take some deep breaths. But I'm already missing that clarity…

And I can't wait to see you again. Soon is never soon enough.

Yours,
♒️